People-Pleasing Therapy for Women

You just can’t say no…

Others likely describe you as the nicest person they know. They can always count on you to do them a favor.  You probably spend a great deal of time doing things for others in an effort to keep everyone around you happy.

Saying “no” to someone feels mean, selfish, and scary. You feel responsible for other people’s feelings and don’t want to make them upset. You’re uncomfortable if you suspect someone is mad at you, and you’ll do anything to avoid conflict.

Maybe you’re the “go-to” at work.  You’re seen as dependable, reliable, and hardworking.  You always take on extra tasks, even though you feel burdened by all the things you have to do.

Maybe your feelings are hurt if you don’t receive praise for something you did.  If you are upset, you don’t want to admit it or struggle to do so. Y our fear of vulnerability has kept your relationships superficial and unfulfilling, even though you yearn for deeper connections.

If you say “no” to someone, you feel intense guilt and reconsider this decision, especially if others express disapproval. You feel the need to have a “legitimate” reason to turn someone or something down.  It feels like a reflex to apologize.

Feeling responsible for other people’s feelings is exhausting. Your inability to say “no” to others makes you feel trapped in your own life, and you’re filled with anger, resentment, shame, and guilt.  Trying to take care of everyone is not sustainable because there will always be something else you could be doing for others.

You don’t have to stay stuck in this cycle!

For many, feeling eager to please often stems from self-worth issues.  People-pleasing isn’t actually the problem, but a symptom of something deeper.  They hope that saying “yes” to everything asked of them will help them feel liked and accepted.

Usually, people-pleasers are those who have experienced some form of rejection or trauma earlier in their lives. Some people have a history of maltreatment and, somewhere along the way, decided that pleasing those who mistreated them would result in better treatment.

Many people-pleasers confuse people-pleasing with kindness.  They often feel it would be selfish or rude to say no to someone. Because they are typically some of the nicest and most helpful people, others take advantage of them and they allow this.

Often, these are indicators of people-pleasing:

• Believing you have power over other people’s feelings and feeling responsible for them

• Apologizing often (sometimes without even consciously knowing what you’re apologizing for) out of fear others are blaming you, or because you excessively blame yourself

• Pretending to agree with others’ opinions and interests in an effort to be liked

• Difficulty saying no and/or feeling like you need an excuse to say no

• Engaging in self-destructive behaviors to help others feel more comfortable

• Needing praise to feel good and feeling hurt if you don’t get it

• Avoiding conflict at all costs

• Denying your feelings out of fear they will upset someone else

• Feeling uncomfortable if someone is upset with you

• Feeling burdened by your schedule since it’s filled with other people’s requests

Although helping others makes people-pleasers feel good, it’s only temporary, and is often accompanied by several negative consequences:

• Devoting little time to taking care of your own health

• Passive aggression and/or resentment

• Inability to enjoy others and activities

• High-stress levels

• Depression

• Being taken advantage of

It’s important to recognize that people-pleasing has served an important purpose in your life. People-pleasing is an attempt to fulfill the very basic needs of feeling worthy of love and connection while avoiding conflict. While the desire to connect and feel whole is a wonderful and necessary thing, the kind of genuine and sustainable connection we yearn for only occurs when we can authentically be ourselves, set appropriate boundaries, and practice healthy and honest communication.